The Fiore Laws
by Zorua101
Summary: This fanfiction was heavily inspired by "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies" by Mistress Nika. From the king of Fiore, to the citizens of Fiore. Rated T for safety.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This was heavily inspired by "Please Stop Eating the Hell Butterflies", a Bleach fanfiction by Mistress Nika. If you're a Bleach fan, I'd recommend it to you. **

**I made an effort to include as many characters as possible. If there is any particular character you want to see make an appearance, please leave a review. Any ideas you have for that character or any others would also be appreciated. However, please note that this is post-timeskip, and if a character is dead, I probably won't be able to include them.**

**Like all of my fanfictions, flames will be ignored.**

* * *

Fiore has always been an unruly, rule-ignoring place, especially the guilds and their resident mages. And, no matter what the king of Fiore tried in order to keep them under control, they just. Wouldn't. Listen.

Having been inspired by a legend about another country where things that people should not do were posted on various boards around the country, publicly humiliating those who committed such crimes, he decided to use the same public humiliation strategy in order to keep the guilds – and anyone outside of the guilds who misbehaved – under control. Each guild had a specific board which was positioned near the respective guild.

The boards were not really working. All they had really succeeded to do so far was cause a lot of gossip around the country. See, mages were very difficult to embarrass. A few people were even holding a contest to see who could get the most absurd rule about them posted on the board by the end of the year. Currently, Flare Corona was in the lead with her strange rule concerning her hair and a few gargoyles. But she probably wouldn't be in the lead for long, at the rate things were going…


	2. Chapter 2

**Alzack Connell – **Please leave Rogue Cheney alone. He did not "steal" your hair from seven years ago.

**Aquarius – **We understand that you despise your mistress, and, in fact, almost everyone except Scorpio and Juvia Loxar. However, we must ask that you do not flood Lucy Heartfilia's room while she's sleeping.

**Arania Web – **Your habit of building webs around the city to catch unsuspecting women and forcing the victims to join Mermaid Heel has got to end. Also, please release those girls.

**Aries – **That supply closet full of dangerous chemicals is not an appropriate place to hide during one of Fairy Tail's legendary fights. Especially with all that fire flying around.

**Asuka Connell – **Since your parents apparently neglected to tell you this: It is not safe to play with matches.

**Bacchus Groh – **If you absolutely _must _challenge half the women in Fiore to drinking contests, please do not take their underwear as prizes.

**Beth Vanderwood – **Stop pulling carrots out of your friends' hair. It is beginning to unnerve them.

**Bisca Connell – **No, Rogue Cheney is not your husband's long-lost brother. Please leave him alone.

**Bickslow – **It was amusing to hear Freed and Evergreen scream like little girls when you approached them in a Darth Vader costume and announced that you were their father. However, it was not amusing to see you carried away on a stretcher after trying the same thing on Laxus. Once you are out of the hospital, please apologize to him.

**Bob – **Please stop stalking every male wizard below the age of thirty.

**Cana Alberona – **If you want to pour alcohol over Gray's head, please do not do it when he's in the middle of a fight with Natsu.

**Cancer – **Stop cutting peoples' hair while they sleep. No, they don't need a better haircut, nor do they want it.

**Cosmos – **Nobody's lawn needs "sprucing up". We would all appreciate it if we could wake up in the morning knowing that our lawns had not broken out in random flowers overnight.

**Droy – **Yes, you _do _have to take the wrapper off of a food before you eat it. We hope you have learned your lesson.

**Elfman Strauss – **It is not funny to walk up behind unsuspecting people and scream "MAN!" at the top of your lungs. You nearly caused your little sister to die a second time.

**Erza Scarlet - **"They insulted my guild" is not a good excuse for all those dead bodies lying around the entrance of Fairy Tail. Also, please stop sticking your enemies' heads on spikes and using them to decorate the area around your guild, it's scaring people away.

**Evergreen – **What did I tell you about turning your friends to stone? Yes, I told you not to. Now please return your entire guild to their original state.

**Freed Justine – **When someone accuses you of cheating at Monopoly, the appropriate response is not "Screw the rules, I have green hair!"

**Gajeel Redfox – **I must ask that both you and Orga Nanagear stop singing "Fergalicious" this instant or else I will, unfortunately, have to send the Garou Knights after you.

**Gemini – **Stop turning into Lucy's friends and running around the city naked. Nobody wanted to see that.

**Gildarts Clive – **Please learn to use a door.

**Gray Fullbuster – **Your restraining order against Juvia Loxar will not be carried out. You have no proof that she molested you, and all witnesses also deny that she attempted this. P.S: Running up to you in a public place and nearly hugging you to death does not count as "molesting" you.

**Hibiki Lates – **Please stop hitting on literally every girl you see. Nobody is going to save you next time you try to flirt with Cana in front of Gildarts.

**Jet – **Your speed magic is not to be used for making a quick getaway from the police. Please do not do anything else that would mean I have to send the police after you.

**Juvia Loxar – **We know that you like to change your appearance often, but wearing your friends' clothes and claiming to be them is going too far.

**Kagura Mikazuchi – **The demonic voice is freaking people out. Please return to your normal voice.

**Kama – **Your scythes are not to be used for mowing the lawn. Your scythes are not to be used for cutting Kamika's, Cosmos's, Uosuke's, or your own hair. Your scythes are not to be used for dressing as the grim reaper, sneaking up behind people and telling them that you have come for their soul.

**Kinana – **You are no longer a snake. You are a human now. Please stop hissing at people.

**Levy McGarden – **"Book Throwing Magic" is not a real type of magic. "Here comes a book!" is not a real incantation.

**Lisanna Strauss – **Please refrain from consuming alcohol, no matter how much Cana pressures you. Nobody wants a repeat of last Wednesday's incident.

**Laki Olietta – **You are not Harry Potter.

**Lyon Vastia – **Please stop trying to communicate with Ur's ghost using an Ouija board. She has become the ocean, and therefore she is gone. Please accept this fact.

**Macao Conbolt – **Your mustache is not a "Mustache of Power", or even a "Blessing of the Gods". It is not the source of your magic, it cannot speak, and it cannot beat up Makarov's mustache or anyone else's.

**Mavis Vermilion – **"I was bored" is not a valid excuse for floating through walls in the middle of the night and making ghostly sounds. Especially not floating through Minerva's wall on Christmas Eve and telling her that you are the ghost of Christmas past who has come to help her mend her ways.

**Max Alors – **That broom is not an animate object. It doesn't feel any emotion, let alone love. Sorry.

**Millianna – **You should know that your obsession with cats is reaching extremely unhealthy levels when you jump out of your chair and scream "Where's the kitty?!" just because one of your friends said "meow".

**Minerva – **You are a crazy, evil bitch. We are all aware of this fact by now. You don't have to prove your point by kicking every puppy, kitten, exceed, child, and Millianna you see.

**Mirajane Strauss – **Please stop braiding Freed's hair while he's sleeping. The same goes for Rufus's hair (Might I ask how you got into the Sabertooth dormitories in the middle of the night?).

**Natsu Dragneel – **We have put up with you destroying things for long enough. Next time you burn down someone's house, you'll be the one paying for it to be rebuilt.

**Orga Nanagear – **I must ask that both you and Gajeel Redfox stop singing "Fergalicious" this instant or I will, unfortunately, have to send the Garou Knights after you.

**Porlyusica – **Most people stay away from your house anyway. The bear traps really aren't necessary. Also, once the Connell family is out of the hospital, they would appreciate an apology.

**Rogue Cheney – **You are not "the real Slim Shady".

**Romeo Conbolt – **You don't have to show everyone the holes in your hands and claim that you were crucified "under Pontius Pilate". Everyone knows that your teacher nailed you to the wall after you threw a spitball at him. And I'm thinking that mages shouldn't read the bible…

**Rufus Lore – **Stop "memorizing" people so that you can stalk them from dark alleyways while wearing a dark cape just to freak them out.

**Sherry Blendy – **I must ask that you stop watching horror movies. The "Night of the Living Furniture" was _not _funny.

**Totomaru – **If you wish to keep your position as a teacher, please stop nailing your students to the wall.

**Vijeeter Ecor – **There are appropriate places to dance. In the middle of McDonald's is not one of them.

**Warren Rocko – **Pedophilia is illegal, you know. Please stop hitting on Wendy and Chelia.

**Wendy Marvell – …**Perhaps Erza and Lucy aren't appropriate role models for you.


	3. Chapter 3

**To all members of the dark guild Tartarus – **We will not be joining the dark side. Not even for cookies.

**To all Fairy Tail members who have been present for the past seven years – **We know that you must have done something to amuse yourselves over the seven years your friends were gone, but we didn't foresee something this outrageous. Please stop launching fireworks at the castle and put away the bazookas.

**Arania Web – **Please stop swinging from building to building while singing the "Spiderman" theme song.

**Bickslow – **Do you feel the need to lick _everything? _

**Chelia Blendy – **After you've finished chewing your bubblegum, you spit it into the garbage can. You do not stick it on the walls. You do not stick it on someone's chair. You do not stick it on Juvia Loxar.

**Cobra/Erik – **Stop carrying around a flute and playing it whenever you see Kinana. She will not start dancing.

**Erza Scarlet – **Please stop saying that the cake is a lie so that nobody will touch it, then stealing said cake when nobody's looking. I'm sure the rest of your guild wanted some of Wendy's birthday cake as well.

**Dobengal – **Singing "Inner Ninja" was funny at first, but people are getting tired of it. Please stop.

**Flare Corona – **Please stop using your hair for such inappropriate things. I don't care if people enjoy it. They are getting hair lice in obscene places. Please stop.

**Freed Justine - **Just because "Dude Looks Like a Lady" started playing as soon as you walked into the room doesn't mean it was aimed at you. The beating you gave the DJ was unnecessary.

**Gildarts Clive – **You _really _need to stop being so over-protective of your daughter. Just because a male looks at her does not mean that he is romantically interested in her.

**Gray Fullbuster – **When Natsu threatened to superglue your clothes to your body, the correct response was not to punch him into next week.

**Jellal Fernandez – **Just because you have Meredy constantly following you around, Ultear used to follow you around and Erza is in love with you doesn't mean that you are the "Numbah One Pimp". Even if you were, wearing dark sunglasses would not be necessary. By the way, in case you couldn't tell by the sparkly pink frame, those are women's sunglasses.

**Jenny Realight – **Prostitution is illegal in this country.

**Juvia Loxar – **Fiore is not Spain. You do not caramba, whatever that means.

**Kagura Mikazuchi – **You should not be singing those songs Risley teaches you. In other words, please stop walking around saying in a monotone voice "My milkshake summons all the males to the enclosed outdoor area, and they declare "it is superior to yours". Affirmative, it is superior to yours."

**Kurohebi – **Next time you torture someone, please put duct tape over their mouth. Just because you want to hear their screams doesn't mean that everyone for two miles around does.

**Laki Olietta – **Put the chainsaw back where you found it.

**Laxus Dreyar – **Pouring water over someone's head before you fight them gives you an unfair advantage. Please refrain from doing this, as it has put several people in hospital.

**Leo – **Take down that shrine to Lucy Heartfilia this instant.

**Makarov Dreyar – **Just because you are a guild master doesn't mean you can do whatever you want. Stop hitting random women you see in the street on the butt.

**Mary Hughes – **I know you are capable of stealing and using Mirajane Strauss's Satan Soul. This does not mean that you should do so and then run around the city screaming "Rawr, I'm a scary monster!"

**Mavis Vermilion – **Please do not proclaim Gildarts as the "Ghost of Christmas Present" and Erigor as the "Ghost of Christmas Future" without their consent. Especially when it's not anywhere near Christmas. Speaking of which, what has brought on this sudden fascination with "A Christmas Carol"?

**Midnight – **We are not responsible for any injuries you or anyone in the Reborn Oracion Seis received when you led them in a conga line all the way through the city. Though I'll admit you all have some impressive stamina to keep congaing for that long.

**Minerva – **Please do not whip people with your hair. That is Flare's job, not that I'm encouraging her.

**Mirajane Strauss – **When you are trying to cook a meal for your entire guild on "Buffet Night", if you find that you don't have enough ingredients to cook the meal you planned to cook, the solution is not "the girls get to eat and the guys get to starve". That is incredibly sexist.

**Nab Lasaro – **Possessing an animal and then bringing it toward you so that Max can beat it to death with his broom is not an appropriate or fair method of hunting. You are causing great harm to the ecosystem.

**Natsu Dragneel – **You, Bacchus Groh and Cana Alberona make a terrifying combination. Please never team up with those two again.

**Obra – **Yes, you are a small creature and that means you can fit into small places (if you leave that strange-looking puppet behind). But that doesn't mean you should sneak into the air vent overlooking the women's public baths.

**Racer – **Please stop trying to impale people with your nose.

**Rogue Cheney – **Just because Rufus Lore dresses like that doesn't mean that he is secretly one of the Three Musketeers. And no matter how many feathers she wears, Yukino Aguria is not a chicken, or any other type of bird for that matter.

**Sting Eucliffe – **Contrary to many beliefs, no, Lucy Heartfilia is not related to Sagittarius. Despite how similar they might look to you.

**Ultear Mikovich – **No matter how funny it may be to hold up two crystal balls and claim that you have bigger balls than everyone here, please stop doing it.

**Yuka Suzuki – **There is no such thing as an "eyebrow mage", and therefore you are not one.

**Zeref – **I see you there. I don't know what you're up to, but I don't like the way you're smiling. Please GTFO.


	4. Chapter 4

**To all members of Sabertooth – **Welcome back. We hope you enjoyed your week-long guild vacation. Please immediately dispose of all crabs you brought back with you in any way possible. And I don't care if they think you're their mother, Rufus.

**Alzack Connell – **Please, _please _find some way to make your wife stop stalking Rogue Cheney. Explain to her that you're not related to him or something! He has personally told me that he does not wish to lose any more hair or toenail clippings because she's trying to do a DNA scan.

**Angel Aguria – **It was OK the first time, as you could not tell the difference between your celestial spirit keys and the keys to Sting's car. However, this has been the fourth time you tried that, and frankly we all know you're doing it on purpose now.

**Arania Web – **Yes, we know Evergreen was chasing you around and repeatedly whacking you with her fan, screaming "Spider!" the whole time. This does not give you an excuse to chase her around repeatedly karate-chopping her on the head and screaming "Fairy!"

**Beth Vanderwood – **No, you may not start a farm on the land surrounding Mermaid Heel. Or the land surrounding Fairy Tail. Or any other guild.

**Bickslow – **If Freed tells you that your helmet is tasteless and you wish to change it for this reason, change it for something that's not absolutely horrifying. In other words, take that Justin Bieber mask off _right now._

**Bisca Connell – **When someone tells you to put some damned clothes on – which is actually quite a fair thing to say to you – you don't try to tear of their clothes.

**Bob – **You are not a swan. Please don't try that again, it was incredibly difficult to save you from drowning.

**Cana Alberona – **When your guild runs out of alcohol, don't steal from Quatro Cerberus's supply.

**Capricorn – **Butlers and maids aren't rival species. You don't have to challenge Virgo to a fight every time you see her.

**Chico C Hammitt – **Laxus would appreciate it if you didn't keep stealing his underwear. And yes, he _has _noticed.

**Droy – **You are not a stealthy ninja. Jet knew you were there the whole time. Now please return the hat to him.

**Elfman Strauss – **Please stop manhandling people when they don't want to be manhandled.

**Erigor – **I must ask that you and Juvia cease the "weather war" at once. The rapid changes from simple rain to an all-out hurricane are confusing people.

**Erza Scarlet – **We have all been aware that most of your armor is hardly "armor" from the start, but this is taking it too far. Please stop requipping to absolute nudity every time Jellal walks by.

**Evergreen – **To be fair, you honestly shouldn't have been chasing Arania around with that fan in the first place.

**Flare Corona – **No, we do not want a repeat of the gargoyle incident! I see the way you're looking at those gargoyles!

**Freed Justine – **Please stop hissing and snapping at people every time they try to touch the strangely-shaped cowlicks on your head. Simply telling them not to will suffice.

**Gajeel Redfox – **Stop eating peoples' keys! I don't care if you're hungry! Go eat your car or something (you don't need it anyway, since you get motion sickness).

**Gildarts Clive – **Laki is not a spy just because you can't find her guild mark anywhere.

**Gray Fullbuster – **No, you may not relocate your guild mark to your behind.

**Happy – **I don't know what exactly is in that backpack you always wear, but recently it seems to be thrashing around a lot...

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – **I have received a number of requests for you to stop singing "Sexy and I Know It".

**Jenny Realight – **Stop selling your clothes to people. Actually, stop tearing off your clothes in the middle of the street and trying to sell them to people. If you actually weren't wearing the clothes before, it's fine for you to sell them.

**Joy Fullbun – **When someone says "no" to wrestling against you, it seriously means "no".

**Juvia Loxar - **I must ask that you and Erigor cease the "weather war" at once. The rapid changes from simple rain to an all-out hurricane are confusing people.

**Kurohebi – **Just because Kinana is also a snake-like person does not mean she wants to mate with you.

**Laki Olietta – **Okay… remember what I said to you a few weeks ago? Correction: Put the axe back where you found it_ unless the place where you found it was Juvia's room. _If the place you found it was, in fact, Juvia's room, then we have a problem and you must report it to someone.

**Laxus Dreyar – **Just because the Thunder God Tribe will do anything you say doesn't mean you should make them rob people. And yes, we know you were the one behind that incident.

**Levy McGarden – **You are hereby forbidden from reading that book out loud in public.

**Lisanna Strauss – **Please release the turkey you are holding hostage. Just because you don't want it to be cooked doesn't mean everyone else doesn't.

**Lyon Vastia – **OK, so it seems you actually _have, _by some miracle, managed to get in touch with Ur's ghost. However, this does not mean that she is now your "pet ghost". Please share her with Gray.

**Mary Hughes – **Yes, your eyebrows are shaped like arrows. They are not pointing out how fabulous your hair is, however, and you don't need to pin people to the ground and scream in their faces for disagreeing with this.

**Mavis Vermillion – **The wings on the sides of your head will not help you fly! Please do not jump off of that building!

**Mickey Chickentiger – **Just because you are known as the "Demon Princess" does not mean you have the right to enslave Tartarus… On second thoughts, thank you for ridding Fiore of its most recent threat. Treat your slaves how you want.

**Millianna – **Please stop kidnapping the exceeds.

**Mirajane Strauss – **When you are told to "take that ridiculous dress off", it probably means to change into something else, not to actually take it off in the middle of the guild hall. You didn't have to scream "Rape!" and mercilessly beat Erza into the ground.

**Nab Lasaro – **Return Vijeeter's turban and he will return your headband.

**Nalpudding – **Leaning into Kurohebi's face while he's sleeping and grinning madly until he woke up almost gave him a heart attack. Please don't do it again. And please don't do it to anyone else.

**Natsu Dragneel – **Juvia probably won't help you next time you set your scarf on fire. Just a fair warning.

**Ooba Babasama – **Please stop spinning your entire guild hall around. You're making your guild members throw up, which is disgusting.

**Risley Law – **Your gravity powers should not be used for torturing/almost crushing people into giving you food.

**Rogue Cheney – **…What exactly are you plotting over there?

**Romeo Conbolt – **You don't have to tell everyone that you killed your teacher with the very same nails he used to attach you to the wall several weeks ago. The truth is that his two former friends, Sol and Aria, have returned to Magnolia and he has gone to visit them. Also, please refrain from pissing off your supply teacher, he _is _one of the ten wizard saints and therefore incredibly dangerous.

**Rufus Lore – **Seriously. What are you plotting?

**Sting Eucliffe – **Really? Is your entire guild in on this plot?!

**Sugarboy – **We warned you not to eat that slime.

**Toby Horhorta – **First of all, salami doesn't go in your ears, especially when your guild is going to have salami for dinner. Second of all, not all red buttons are dangerous.

**Ur Milkovich – **You shouldn't be _encouraging _Jenny to take her clothes off!

**Vijeeter Ecor – **Return Nab's headband and he will return your turban.

**Virgo – **When Capricorn challenges you to a fight, you shouldn't try to drill a hole through his face.

**War Cry – **Your tears are not for bathing in.

**Wendy Marvell – **Your sky dragon slayer magic shouldn't be used to make an entrance.

**Yukino Aguria – **Apparently, yes, your entire guild _is _in on this plot.

**Zeref – **GTFO doesn't mean "gay toddlers feeding ospreys"! What gave you that idea?!


	5. Chapter 5

**To all Sabertooth members – **When I said "dispose of the crabs in any way possible", I expected you to be sensible! I didn't expect you to sit on the roof of your guild and throw the crabs at unsuspecting citizens who just happen to be passing by!

**Alzack Connell – **Why?! I actually thought you were _sane! _Why did you have to go and prove me wrong by blowing up a lake surrounded by at least fifty ducks' nests with no good reason whatsoever?! Those poor ducks!

**Angel Aguria – **Please stop attempting to feed Lucy's keys to Gajeel.

**Aquarius – **Disappearing in the middle of a battle to go on a date with Scorpio is OK… as long as it's not a very important battle in which your mistress could get killed. You are expected to apologize once she's out of hospital.

**Aria – **Totomaru does not appreciate you and Sol constantly following him around with fire extinguishers.

**Asuka Connell – **Please stop throwing things at your parents just because they won't buy you a pony. Technically, you already have at least two ponies since your mother keeps them as pets.

**Bacchus Groh – **Please stop promoting the song "Hangover" by Psy to drunkards. It gives them ideas.

**Bisca Connell – **In battle, you are expected to use your magic, not climb to a high place, blow a whistle, then cackle madly as your many pets trample your opponent.

**Cana Alberona –** Please stop promoting the song "Hangover" by Psy to drunkards. It gives them ideas.

**Cobra – **Your bad eyesight does not give you an excuse to use Plue as a seeing-eye dog. Please give him back to Lucy.

**Droy – **No, you may not sacrifice Jet's hat to the "god of headgear"! There is no god of headgear!

**Elfman Strauss – **Grabbing a megaphone and screaming "Man!" through it at the top of your lungs is not an appropriate way to wake your sisters up in the morning.

**Erza Scarlet – **That bikini isn't much better than being naked, you know.

**Eve Tearm – **I know you're interested in older girls rather than girls your age, but when _they_ start hitting on _you_ it's technically pedophilia.

**Flare Corona – **I thought you were past the whole "smiling insanely at everyone" thing.

**Gajeel Redfox – **I said go eat _your _car, not Erza's car! And I see the way you're looking at that motorcycle! Don't even think about it!

**Gildarts Clive – **The other day, I happened upon your "hit list", and I was not amused to find that I was at number three after Hibiki and Bacchus. Please come and speak to me about this.

**Gray Fullbuster – **Your attempt to cool your guild off on the hottest day of summer so far resulted in your entire guild hall being encased in ice. You will be responsible for thawing everyone out.

**Happy – **No! Just… no! You should not be keeping live, poisonous beetles in your backpack!

**Hibiki Lates – **There are appropriate uses for magic. Using your Archive to find things that could be used to blackmail your guild mates is not one of them.

**Hisui E. Fiore – **Just because you are my daughter does not mean you will be spared from this list. Also, the four-foot-tall card house filled with tiny paper people was somewhat impressive. However, you shouldn't pick up a stick and charge at me screaming "I shall defend my people!" just because I went near said card house.

**Hoteye – **Please stop claiming that you've lost the book you always carry around just so you can steal the book Lucy's writing and carry that around instead.

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – **Do not give Erza a drugged strawberry cake and then drag her back to your guild. Next time I will send the Garou Knights after you.

**Iwan Dreyar – **Please stop poking your father with a ten-foot pole. Where did you get a ten-foot pole anyway? I could seriously use one.

**Jellal Fernandez – **No, you may not get a tattoo shaped like something unspeakable under your currently tattoo-free eye.

**Jenny Realight – **Just so you know, "Bitchslap" is not a real spell, nor will it be able to defeat Zeref in one blow.

**Jet – **You don't need to go to such extreme measures to regain the hat you wore seven years ago!

**Juvia Loxar – **Why can't you use the same _normal _ways other girls use to make their crush notice them? You don't need to go into your liquid state, hide in Gray's water bottle, then jump out and kiss him on the lips when he tries to drink from it. You terrified him.

**Kagura Mikazuchi – **Stop pestering Lyon. He will not bring back your brother's ghost.

**Kinana – **Please stop poisoning the drinks of people you don't like.

**Laki Olietta –** So the place you found that axe _was _Juvia's room. The same place where you found the handcuffs with spikes on the inside, the whip, the gun loaded with sleep darts and the chainsaw, I assume?

**Leo – **I expect that Karen would be the _last _ghost anyone would want brought back. Please stop pestering Lyon.

**Levy McGarden – **Using a machine to stretch yourself will not make you taller.

**Lyon Vastia – **No! Bad Lyon! Don't even _think _about bringing back Simon and Karen! Bad Lyon! Bad!

**Macao Conbolt – **Using your magic as a grappling hook to get to high places is fine. Using it to "sneakily" drag Cana away is not.

**Mickey Chickentiger – **Don't you dare use your slaves to take over the country!

**Midnight – **It's OK if you want to sleep, but please don't do it in Lucy's closet. Her teammates are bad enough with the whole breaking into her house thing.

**Mirajane Strauss – **Satan Soul is not a good way to threaten people.

**Nab Lasaro – **Please don't sacrifice that turban to the god of headgear! As I told Droy, there is no god of headgear! And Vijeeter is still holding your headband hostage.

**Natsu Dragneel – **Contrary to many beliefs, not everything is Sting's fault.

**Ooba Babasaama – **Pushing the members of your guild straight into the clearing in front of the Sabertooth guild, then listening to their tortured screams as they are pelted with crabs is a bit of an extreme punishment.

**Orga Nanagear – **Walking around shirtless is one thing. Walking around in just your underwear is another thing entirely. Now please put your pants back on before you blind yet another person.

**Porlyusica – **Just because someone spells your name wrong is no reason to beat them senseless with the "Almighty Broom of Destruction". P.S: Max wants his girlfriend back.

**Racer – **Please stop attempting to run Lucy Heartfilia over. What is this strange grudge the whole Oracion Seis seems to have against her?!

**Reedus Jonah – **Why do you feel the need to paint images of naked girls and set them loose in Freed's room while he's sleeping? You scarred him for life!

**Ren Akatsuki – **Please stop using your magic to flip girls' skirts.

**Risley Law – **The same goes for you and your gravity magic. Why are you trying to flip girls' skirts anyway? Aren't _you _a girl? …Ah, sorry. I forgot that you were bisexual.

**Rogue Cheney – **Simply throwing the crabs was bad enough. Please cease the construction of the giant "crab catapult" you plan on using against Fairy Tail immediately.

**Romeo Conbolt – **Please stop trying to find ways to piss off your supply teacher, Jura. As I warned you previously, he _is _one of the ten wizard saints.

**Rufus Lore – **Please stop beating your friends with a broom and screaming at them for "hurting your children". Those crabs are not really your children. And what's with all these people hitting each other with brooms? Frying pans clearly make better weapons.

**Scorpio – **Getting a little bit of sand in her hair was OK, but you should not be trying to crush your mistress underneath two tons of sand just because Aquarius told you to!

**Sherry Blendy – **When Ren flirts with girls who aren't you, the appropriate response is not to smile sweetly, pull out a chainsaw and rev it a few times.

**Sol – **Totomaru does not appreciate you and Aria following him around with fire extinguishers.

**Sting Eucliffe – **When Wendy asks you what "yaoi" is, you have three options: 1) Ignore her, 2) Explain it to her and get it over with, or 3) Tell her to ask someone else. Notice how none of those options include grabbing the nearest male and demonstrating.

**Totomaru – **I thought you wanted to visit Aria and Sol, not drive them out of the city with a red-hot poker.

**Ultear Milkovich – **You shouldn't try to tear Jellal's shirt of every time Erza walks by. I know you're trying to get them to… ahem… but the sight of you tearing at Jellal's clothes gives Erza the wrong idea.

**Ur Milkovich –** Please stop encouraging _literally everyone _to take their clothes off.

**Vijeeter Ecor – **Please don't kill Nab's headband!

**Warren Rocko – **Please stop using your telepathic abilities to send lewd messages to other people.

**Wendy Marvell – **I am aware that, by this point, you have been scarred for life by a large number of people. But you shouldn't be walking around with a blindfold on "to prevent further scarring". You're causing yourself _physical _scars now.

**Yukino Aguria – **Trust me, you are not descended from a race of completely white seagulls who lived atop a mountain and held the power of the stars in their nostrils.

**Zeref – **If you're not going to leave, please write a 300-word essay explaining why the hell you are here.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: I'm sorry, last chapter I forgot to give credit to Insignia7, who came up with the laws for Cana and Bacchus. Also, this chapter I used their ideas for the Fairy Tail guild's counter attack, Arcadios, Ren and Natsu. And although Madam Facilier didn't exactly suggest it, Yuka's law was inspired by their review. :)**

* * *

**To all citizens of Magnolia – **Please stay in your homes until the shellfish war has ended. I do not wish to have another citizen lose an eye or another part of their body due to the raining crabs and lobsters.

**To all Sabertooth and Fairy Tail members – **Please put your respective contraptions – that is to say, the "Crabonator 2000" and the "Lobstah Blaster" – where the sun doesn't shine and call a truce. If you do not do this, I will be forced to send the Garou Knights after you. If they finally show up, that is.

**Garou Knights – **Where are you?! You didn't run away due to the shellfish terrorizing the city, did you? Come back here, you cowards!

**To the former Oracion Seis members who are now part of Crime Sorcière – **No, no, no. Lyon may have brought back Simon so that Kagura could ask him where he hid her iPhone all those years ago, and Karen so that Leo could rub his new mistress in her face, but he will NOT bring back Brain for any reason at all. Got it?

**Aquarius – **Just because you and your fellow celestial spirits are "stars" doesn't mean that you should form a band, nor should you force them to join your band even if they don't want to.

**Arcadios – **Please stop following my daughter around and asking her to marry you. I know that you are aspiring to become the next king of Fiore, and I will not allow it.

**Aries – **Just because Aquarius told you to be tougher doesn't mean that you must cut your hair short, wear leather clothes and get tattoos and piercings all over your body. It also doesn't mean that you have to beat people senseless when they don't recognize you. You can't expect them to know who you are when you look like _that!_

**Asuka Connell – **I understand that you have finally got a pony and you want to show it off, but _please _don't leave it outside while it's raining crabs and lobsters.

**Bacchus Groh – **By this age, you should know that alcohol is quite flammable and you shouldn't pour it over the head of every fire mage you meet. It was OK in Natsu's case since he can eat the fire, but Jura now has to act as a supply teacher at Romeo's school for _another entire week_ (possibly more)_, _and he was already stressed enough.

**Beth Vanderwood – **Please stop sitting in front of your guild playing a guitar and singing at night, you're keeping everyone awake… and we all know what Kagura gets like when she's overtired….

**Bisca Connell – **I know you don't want any more ducks to get blown up, but you really don't have to drug Alzack, handcuff him, lock him in the basement and feed the key to Gajeel. And by that I mean _let him out right now._

**Bob – **No. You may not change your guild's name to… _that._

**Cana Alberona – **Asuka is too young to know those words.

**Carla – **Please stop telling everyone that you've had a premonition about them getting maimed by Erza.

**Chico C Hammitt – **Please do not try to steal those ghosts from Lyon. All three of them have personally confirmed that they are now his property (though to be fair, he may have blackmailed them into it).

**Cobra – **Yes, Kurohebi _did _once express a desire to mate with Kinana. However, he is over her now and you don't have to keep chasing him around with a giant kitchen knife while screaming bloody murder.

**Dobengal – **Dying your hair white and wearing a headband is one thing, but claiming to be someone else is a different thing entirely.

**Droy – **There have been rumors that you are holding Cosmos hostage. If said rumors are true, please release her at once.

**Elfman Strauss – **Your shirt is not "soaked in unmanliness". Please keep it on.

**Erza Scarlet – **Do not follow Minerva around with a speaker playing "Fuck You" by Lily Allen at full volume.

**Evergreen – **That's a bit drastic, don't you think? I mean, turning every insect/arachnid you see to stone and then smashing it with a sledgehammer…

**Flare Corona – **It is physically impossible for two males to reproduce together. Therefore, Kurohebi is not secretly the child of Cobra and Midnight, and Cobra is not an "abusive father".

**Freed Justine – **The Thunder God Tribe is not the Fiore FBI. The fancy suits and sunglasses must go.

**Frosch – **When Lector says "All the girls in Fairy Tail are ugly whores", the appropriate response is to turn and run as fast as your legs can carry you, not to say "Fro thinks so too!"

**Gajeel Redfox – **You should've known that rusty metal was to you what moldy food is to the rest of us.

**Gildarts Clive – **The correct way to use a door is to turn the handle, open it, and walk outside. You should not just smash through the door and keep walking as if it was nothing.

**Gray Fullbuster – **While "Ice Make Chainsaw" _is _a real spell, it should not be used under any circumstances, especially when combined with "Ice Make Hockey Mask" in the presence of people who watch too many horror movies.

**Happy – **To answer your question: No, you don't have a known Earthland counterpart. Sorry.

**Hibiki Lates – **You _will _take down those posters right this second. Ren Akatsuki's Skirt Lifting 101 should not be advertised.

**Hoteye – **When someone asks you "What's with that book you always carry around?", you shouldn't scream "You saw nothing!" and then knock them unconscious using the book.

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – **Turning around in an office chair while petting a cat is usually considered to be a little scary, but when you turn around in an office chair while petting Nichiya it is absolutely terrifying. Please never do it again.

**Jackal – **When Mickey Chickentiger tells you to obey, you. Will. OBEY.

**Jellal Fernandez – **Shouting "Crime Sorcière, assemble!" will not cause your entire guild to appear by your side instantly, and it will not cause an enormous dramatic explosion in the background, and it will most _certainly _not cause the "Power Rangers" theme song to start playing.

**Jenny Realight – **When I said "bitchslap" is not a real spell, I was hoping that it never would be. Please stop trying to invent it.

**Jet – **Seriously. You don't even _wear _that hat anymore. You don't need it back that badly, do you?

**Jose Porla – **Please stop trying to abduct the former members of Phantom Lord and reform the guild. They have told you a million times that they are _not interested._

**Jura Neekis – **Don't blow up the school. No, I said _don't _blow up the school. _Don't blow up the – _aaaannnnd you blew up the school.

**Juvia Loxar – **All torture instruments hidden in your room will immediately be confiscated and donated to Laki.

**Kagura Mikazuchi – **If you hear Beth singing in front of the guild, you don't go outside in a shredded-up jacket with your arms held horizontally in front of you and say "Briiiiaaaannnns" repeatedly until she goes away. By the way, if you want to be a zombie, it's "brains", not "Brians". Unless you're a dyslexic zombie, then it's OK.

**Kurohebi – **Going around addressing Cobra as "Dad" and Midnight as "Mom" isn't helping those rumors Flare started up, you know.

**Laki Olietta – **Please make good use of the torture instruments we are donating to you. In other words, I don't expect to see any more of your friends disappearing and returning to the guild two days later covered in bruises.

**Laxus Dreyar – **Repeat after me: "I will not break any more necks."

**Lector – **Please stop referring to every girl in Fairy Tail as a "whore".

**Leo – **Witches don't dance naked around a fire every night. And even if they did, Sherry and Juvia aren't witches, no matter how much they might look like witches to you.

**Levy McGarden – **I stand corrected. Headbands _can _be used as a weapon. Please never do that again.

**Lisanna Strauss – **Your brother does NOT need to be castrated!

**Lyon Vastia – **You are not "The Ghostmaster". You do not have the right to bring back any ghost you want. Brain will not be brought back from the dead. Understand?

**Mary Hughes – **No, you may not open a portal to Edolas just to prove to Coco that your Edolas counterpart is male. If she really doesn't believe you, just let her be that way.

**Max Alors – **"Operation Broom Rescue" will be terminated immediately. Simply ask Rufus to give the broom back and I'm sure he will return it. There is no need for the giant scissors.

**Meredy – **Fairy Tail will not provide you will the money needed for the video your guild is making, "Oppan Crime Sorcière Style", no matter how politely you ask. Sorry.

**Midnight – **You will not sleep in the middle of a construction site. You will not sleep on the roof of Raven Tail. And you will _definitely _not sleep on _my _throne!

**Mirajane Strauss – **There is really no need to scream "Fus ro dah!" at the top of your lungs every time you use an attack.

**Natsu Dragneel – **Just because someone tells you that stupidity is free doesn't mean you may be stupid every second of every day! At least make some effort to be intelligent!

**Obra – **I don't expect to see you and Zeref outside with buckets while it's raining shellfish. Go back indoors this instant.

**Orga Nanagear – **It is _not _raining men. It is raining _shellfish. _If you can't tell the difference, go back to school for a few years.

**Racer – **As I said to Obra: _stay indoors._

**Ren Akatsuki – **Please shut down this class you are calling "Stealth Skirt Lifting 101".

**Rogue Cheney – **It was your own fault that you read the fanfictions, not mine. And it was certainly not Sting's fault; in case you forgot, _you _were the one who introduced _him _to fanfictions.

**Romeo Conbolt – **This is not something to be proud of! Please stop dancing in the rubble of your school!

**Rufus Lore – **Just so you know, your "Save the Crabs" mission is fully supported by my daughter and I.

**Scorpio – **Just because you both use sand magic doesn't mean that you and Max are connected in some way. Really. There are _hundreds _of sand magic users out there.

**Sherry Blendy – **That double-headed axe really isn't much better than the chainsaw.

**Sting Eucliffe – **I think those fanfictions are confusing you. Just because people write stories in which you are dating them does not mean that you have really been dating Lucy, Rogue, Natsu, Cana, Mirajane, Erza _and_ Laxus for a year without knowing it.

**Toby Horhorta – **"Skirt Lifting" has nothing to do with salami. Don't attend Ren's class just because you think they're going to give you salami!

**Ur Milkovich – **Yes, your daughter is now technically older than you. However, you should not try to make yourself older by walking around hunched over and using a walking stick.

**Wendy Marvell – **We admire your bravery for doing the ice bucket challenge. We hope you recover from pneumonia soon.

**Yuka Suzuki – **We know you lost an eyebrow in Sabertooth's crab attack the other week, but you don't have to sit alone in your room for days on end just to mourn it! It was only an eyebrow!

**Zeref – **I don't expect to see you and Obra outside with buckets when it's raining shellfish. Go back indoors this instant.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: The next chapter will be the Halloween chapter. ^^**

* * *

**To all citizens of Magnolia – **The city is safe again! At long last, the shellfish war has ended thanks to Rufus and Broom. Below is the list of casualties:

-Yuka's Left Eyebrow

-Erza's Strawberry Cake

-One Square Inch of Natsu's Scarf

-Lucy's Left Sleeve

-Gray's Shirt (He wasn't wearing it anyway.)

-Sting's Earring

-Two Feet of Flare's Hair

Let us mourn them in peace. Though that's probably too much to ask of a place like this.

**To all who are from Edolas – **We apologize for the inconvenience, but Mary Hughes simply wouldn't listen to my orders. She opened up the portal to bring only Hughes to Earthland, but apparently she doesn't know how to use the portal properly, so basically everyone ended up here. Please remain in your assigned quarters until we are able to return you to your world.

**Alzack Connell – **I know you're conscious again and you've somehow managed to get out of the handcuffs, but please don't leave the basement of your home until your wife has calmed down. We will notify you when this happens. In the meantime, since your basement has a fridge, you should be able to last for a while…

**Angel Aguria – **Gildarts is not a demon from hell and you do not need to smite him. Besides, any attempt to smite Gildarts could result in serious injury to the smiter.

**Aquarius – **Since you were the one who got her into this mess in the first place, I demand that you get Aries to return to the way she was before.

**Arcadios – **Burn the wedding dress you bought "in advance" for Hisui or else, as she has told me, she will burn _you._

**Aries – **You _must _stop punching people.

**Asuka Connell – **I know your pony was injured in the shellfish storm and is no longer "usable", but that doesn't give you a right to use Natsu instead!

**Bacchus Groh – **You can't _force _Edolas Cana to drink alcohol. You especially can't tie her down to a table and pour the stuff down her throat.

**Beth Vanderwood – **We are _not _at war with Edolas! The mustard gas bombs are really not necessary!

**Bickslow – **No… you don't want to go to Edolas… you really don't.

**Bisca Connell – **Please stop breaking things. We understand that you are very angry and… wait… why are you _still _angry about the duck incident?!

**Bob – **No more rave parties at Blue Pegasus. Got it?

**Cana Alberona – **Stop screaming "Kill it with fire!" every time you see your counterpart! Not only is that incredibly rude, Natsu might just take that phrase literally…

**Carla – **Telling everyone that you've had a premonition about them being maimed by Erza Knightwalker is not much better.

**Chelia Blendy – **The "chewing gum art" you keep leaving on the walls must be removed immediately. Especially the one in Juvia's room… and maybe you should explain to your parents why you know words like that…

**Cobra – **Just because you're capable of ingesting poison without dying doesn't mean that everyone else is!

**Coco (Edolas) – **I know Virgo addresses her as "Princess", but Lucy is not actually a princess. That would be Hisui.

**Dan Straight – **Please stop telling people that your magic can change the size of anything and then wiggling your eyebrows suggestively at them.

**Droy – **Stop making bald peoples' heads suddenly break out in plant life.

**Droy (Edolas) – **Do you and Edo-Jet have to yell at _everyone _and _everything?! _My ears are hurting.

**Elfman Strauss – **Quit yelling at your Edolas counterpart. He gets enough of that from the Edolas versions of Jet and Droy.

**Erza Knightwalker – **I demand that you leave that locked room, discard all the "No Hughes Allowed/No Sugarboy Allowed" signs and return to your assigned quarters.

**Erza Scarlet – **No matter how your Edolas counterpart dresses, she is NOT a stripper. Please stop throwing money at her and ordering her to dance.

**Evergreen – **The Edolas visitors are not "just more people to turn to stone and then smash with a sledgehammer".

**Faust – **Stop ordering everyone around! That's _my _job!

**Freed Justine – **Not _everyone _is trying to steal Laxus from you.

**Frosch – **Err… those aren't bandages.

**Gajeel (Edolas) – **Please stop attempting to interview literally _everyone _from Earthland. It's OK if they agree to it, but people like Kagura and Rogue would rather not be interviewed, Jason thinks you are trying to "steal his job" and _really _doesn't appreciate it, and we will not save you next time you stick your nose in Erza's business.

**Gray Fullbuster & Gray Surge – **How about you just split the clothing evenly between you? It would save a lot of arguing.

**Happy – **You will immediately remove the live, poisonous beetles from the apartment building where the Edolas visitors are staying.

**Hibiki Lates – **We all know Knightwalker broke your nose when you tried to flirt with her. Stop spreading stories about your "valiant battle against a ferocious beast to save a beautiful damsel in distress". In the exact words of Knightwalker: Hah. You wish.

**Horologium – **Stop bragging about how Lucy was inside you and not Leo.

**Hughes – **When someone calls you "Edo-Mary", you don't have to whack them repeatedly with a stick until they call you "Hughes". Technically, you _are _Edo-Mary, and therefore you should be willing to go by either – no. _No. _You get out of my castle _right now! _And put that stick back where you found it!

**Ichiya Vandalay Kotobuki – **Edo-Erza is probably not going to be any more willing to date you than our version of Erza.

**Imitatia – **You are not the queen of the lobsters. Place them back in the ocean, as we do not need another shellfish war.

**Jason – **You must stop sitting on roofs and dropping hot pink paint on Edo-Gajeel whenever he walks by.

**Jellal Fernandez – **Just because your counterpart is the king of Edolas doesn't mean that you are the king of Fiore. You have no authority over your friends. Sorry.

**Jenny Realight – **Men aren't going to be more attracted to a woman the less clothing she wears. In fact, I heard many screams of "Ah! My eyes!" when you walked down the street this morning in an outfit which, frankly, you should've been arrested for.

**Jet (Edolas) – **Do you and Edo-Droy have to yell at _everyone _and _everything?! _My ears are hurting.

**Jura Neekis – **No, Romeo will not be put in the Juvenile Detention Center. Nor will he be placed in an asylum. He has still not technically broken the law, but trust me; we're all expecting _that _to happen any day now.

**Juvia Loxar – **When we return everyone to Edolas, we are not sending you with them so you can be with Edo-Gray. Sorry, we just… can't.

**Kagura Mikazuchi – **As I said to Beth, we are _not _at war with Edolas. You really don't need that fireball-launching catapult. Wait… "fireball-launching"? Isn't Edo-Natsu's nickname "Fireball Natsu"? Oh no. No, no, no. I see where you're going with this. You are _not _launching the Edolas visitors into the ocean and then letting them drown. _No!_ Get rid of the catapult _this instant!_

**Karen Lilica – **Stop telling people how much better it is being dead than alive. You're giving them ideas.

**Kinana – **Thou shalt not bite.

**Laki Olietta – **Please come and see me about the recent incident regarding the torture instruments we donated to you and Erza Knightwalker, who, yes, presumably killed your Edolas counterpart.

**Laxus Dreyar – **Voodoo dolls don't conduct electricity.

**Leo – **I hope you realize that you are being incredibly hypocritical when you tell other men not to hit on every girl they see. Or is this one of those "Hey, that's my job" kind of situations?

**Lisanna Strauss – **Look, I know you're happy to see your friends from Edolas again, but you don't have to death-hug them every time you see one of them.

**Lucy Ashley – **No, you may not proclaim yourself the "Queen" of the dormitory you and the other Edolas visitors are staying in, and you may not "claim your rightful place and prove your dominance over everyone else" by beating up all your friends – and non-friends. You may also not have 60% of the food supply while the other 40% is shared among everyone else; please split the food equally.

**Lucy Heartfilia – **Your Edolas counterpart is finding you a bit annoying. Please leave her to her business, whatever the hell her business is.

**Lyon Vastia – **You are not permitted to bring back the ghosts of anyone who was killed by Knightwalker or any of her circus animals - I mean friends.

**Lyra – **Attempting to be heard over Gajeel, Edo-Gajeel _and _Orga is only going to result in chaos, especially while they are also trying to be heard over you.

**Mary Hughes – **Since you brought your Edolas counterpart here to prove to Earthland Coco that you really _are _male in an alternate universe, you'd think that you'd at least know what he looks like, instead of suddenly thinking that you had a long-lost twin brother.

**Mavis Vermilion – **If you see Lyon, run. Just run.

**Meredy – **You are hereby banned from Laki's room in Fairy Hills.

**Mystogan – **"Anima" is not the answer to _every freaking question!_

**Natsu Dragion – **Oh come on, someone who looks like Lucy can't possibly be _that _terrifying. Come out of hiding and return to your assigned quarters, please.

**Natsu Dragneel – **When Cana – or anyone, for that matter – says "kill it with fire", just so you know, it's not an order. It's only an order if I say it.

**Orga Nanagear – **Stop showing off your magic to everyone from Edolas just to make them jealous because they don't have magic anymore.

**Porlyusica – **I saw you buying more bear traps the other day. I thought I told you not to set any more of them up.

**Racer – **As I said to Orga, you may not show off your magic in front of the Edolas visitors just to make them jealous. Especially not Coco and Jet.

**Reedus (Edolas) – **Leave your Earthland counterpart alone. He is not going to "man up and be more like you".

**Ren Akatsuki – **Yes, racism is everywhere, sadly. But a giant hammer is not an appropriate way to deal with it.

**Rogue Cheney – **Stop hiding from Frosch. He is _not _out to kill you, no matter what people from Edolas are telling you.

**Rufus Lore – **Fine, you may keep the crabs. However, they must not leave the Sabertooth guild hall under any circumstances.

**Sherry Blendy – **People _are _going to get the wrong idea if you keep going on and on about love whenever they're around.

**Sting Eucliffe – **Stop "accidentally" stepping on Rufus's crabs just to annoy him.

**Toby Horhorta – **What the _hell _makes you think the Edolas visitors are giant walking salamis?!

**Ultear Milkovich – **It is a little creepy to turn around and see a black-cloaked old woman stalking people from a dark alleyway. Stop the stalking, please.

**Ur Milkovich – **Once again… stop encouraging literally _everyone in the kingdom _to take their clothes off! No, nakedness does not equal freedom!

**Virgo – **Edo-Lucy will punish you if you ask for it. However, be warned; it will hurt very badly.

**Wakaba Mine – **Edolas counterparts are not exact opposites of their Earthland versions, you know. Edo-Mirajane will not love you just because our Mirajane doesn't.

**Wendy Marvell –** Err… why do you burst into tears and run away whenever you see your Edolas counterpart…?

**Wendy (Edolas) – **Maybe you should learn what a bra is.

**Yukino Aguria – **Stop stealing people's sandwiches just so that you can make a "peace offering" to the seagulls. I will say it again: _you are not descended from magic seagulls._

**Zeref – **Carrying around a sign which reads "I apologize in advance if I accidentally kill you" may have seemed like a good idea at first, but seriously, it's scaring people away. Several have moved to the other side of the world because of you.


End file.
